


What is wrong with you?

by sugasweet



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Oblivious Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 01:56:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11887488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugasweet/pseuds/sugasweet
Summary: "What is wrong with you?”Alec scoffs drily in his mind. He’d imagined Jace saying those words to him in his worst nightmares – the kind where he woke up in a start unable to separate dream from reality.But the way Jace says them now, it isn’t malicious. He's genuinely asking and Alec swallows hard at the insinuation that he has been acting differently since… well, since theincident.





	What is wrong with you?

**Author's Note:**

> Based off that heartbreaking scene from 1x05 which still manages to wound me every time I watch it (;_;)

“What is wrong with you?”

Alec scoffs drily in his mind. He’d imagined Jace saying those words to him in his worst nightmares – the kind where he woke up in a start unable to separate dream from reality. His hair would be plastered to his forehead with sweat, his t-shirt equally as stuck to the planes of his back. He could never go back to sleep afterwards.

But the way Jace says them now, it isn’t malicious. He's genuinely asking and Alec swallows hard at the insinuation that he has been acting differently since… well, since the _incident_.

He had hoped Jace would ignore the what happened at Magnus’ loft. Valak, the memory demon, had asked each of them for their happiest memory in exchange for Clary’s memories. Alec hadn’t even begun to think of what his happiest memory could be – perhaps some vision of Izzy or Max – before it was ripped from his mind and displayed for all to see, for _Jace_ to see. His deepest, darkest secret was exposed after so many years of effort to repress it and Alec couldn’t help but try to do just that – lie and repress. He’d sworn the demon memory was deceiving him and had broken the bond which Magnus has strictly said was not to be broken. His mind was swirling with too many emotions to care.

If he had been thinking rationally, he could have maintained the bond and explained to Jace later that of course his happiest memory would be of his parabatai, his soulmate. But Alec had freaked out and apparently been acting out of sorts since, so now he had to deal with it.

He swallows the lump in his throat which forms at the prospect of telling the truth.

“I – uh… y-you have every right to be mad at me,” Alec stutters out.

He can’t believe he is actually doing this. He’d accepted long ago that his feelings for his parabatai were taboo and would never be spoken about. He’d resigned himself to a life of solitude, Jace as his parabatai by his side, until certain early death during battle.

He has no idea how confessing to Jace fits into his self-proclaimed life plan.

“What’d you do?” Jace asks with a smirk, “Put my leather jacket in the washing machine again?”

“This isn’t a joke.” Alec bursts out, effectively cutting Jace off at the end of his thought.

His palms are starting to sweat. How was he supposed to do this? He’d never prepared for this. To tell his parabatai of his forbidden feelings toward him. After all, what good would it do him? There was no way Jace would feel the same. It would just leave Alec even more sad than he would have been if he kept his mouth shut.

Jace looks at him expectantly, awaiting the real reason behind Alec’s skittishness. Alec organizes his words in his head, but they come out jumbled regardless.

“At Magnus’… the demon image of you…” Alec trails off.

He's having trouble maintaining eye contact with his parabatai as he begins his clumsy confession. He can feel his heart thrumming uncomfortably beneath the corded muscle of his neck.

“That?” Jace queries, almost in disbelief.

Alec gapes, thoroughly confused. Why is Jace not reacting the way he had always imagined? Where is the thinly veiled disgust, the punch to the face? Why does he not sound surprised at all?

Jace continues in Alec’s silence.

“You love me, so? I love you too, Alec.”

Alec’s rapid heartbeat lurches in his chest and there’s a chance it may stop momentarily.

What is Jace saying?

He can't mean it.

_Can he?_

Alec’s eyes flicker between Jace’s distinctly coloured eyes. Eyes he’s gazed into countless times under the guise of parabatai tracking. Eyes he’s determinedly avoided meeting after one of his nightmares or worse, one of his _dreams_.

He’s sure he’s still gaping but he can’t seem to control any part of his body at the moment.

Jace, on the other hand, looks completely unaffected as he smiles handsomely up at Alec.

Alec feels a hesitant, miniscule flicker of hope ignite deep in his gut.

Maybe some of those prolonged looks they’ve shared over the years meant something more to Jace, too. He’s never let himself be hopeful about this, never thought it would be in the cards. But right here, right now, having this conversation with Jace is surreal and unearthing things he never thought would be uncovered. Maybe Alec isn’t alone in this, after all.

But like always, reality comes crashing down before Alec can get too carried away.

“C’mon, man, we’re parabatai. We’re brothers. We’ve spent almost out whole lives together, how could we not love each other?”

Every word that tumbles from Jace’s lips makes Alec’s gut twist with a dreadful, sick feeling. Any hope he had is seriously doused and shattered into infinitesimal pieces.

He looks down and away from Jace, unable to look into his parabatai’s eyes any longer, lest the pain in his own is laid bare.

God, how could he be so _stupid!_

To even believe for a second that Jace would be interested in _him_. He scoffs internally once more, his self-deprecating behaviour feeling familiar and comfortable.

He knows he’s been quiet for too long, because Jace continues:

“This is what’s been bothering you, seriously?”

Alec looks away once more before steeling himself. He has to get out of this situation the only way he knows how. Deflection. With a small smile on his face which doesn’t reach his eyes at all, he sets out to mend his mistakes.

“Yeah. Yeah. I… you’re right. It’s true. I- I just thought you’d think that–”

“What?” Jace interrupts, an oblivious looks on his face.

Alec swallows hard, jaw clenched so hard his teeth start to ache in protest.

If Jace doesn’t know what Alec is talking about, he isn’t going to even try broaching the topic again. He is much too exhausted.

Jace continues speaking about their assignments and about Clary but Alec hears him as though he’s deep underwater. The pressure pushing on his ears is immense and everything starts to ache. Where he had felt hope just seconds ago, he now feels hollow and heavy.

He nods when Jace makes a request, tuning in just enough to know it’s about protecting Clary. Of course it is, what else would it be about? Alec can feel his bitterness toward the scrappy redhead creeping up on him unpleasantly.

Next thing Alec knows, Jace is pulling him into an embrace with a hand on the back of his neck.

Alec automatically winds his arms around his parabatai’s upper back – the safe zone. He’s always steered clear of anything below waist line, especially now, when his heart and brain are in a state of turmoil.

He can’t help but close his eyes momentarily, subtly inhaling Jace’s boyish scent. They don’t embrace often on account of Alec never initiating physical contact. He’d never wanted to give Jace any reason to suspect him of his feelings. However, whenever Jace initiated any sign of affection or _closeness_ , Alec made sure to make the most out of it.

They hold each other, rocking slightly from foot to foot as Alec tries to stamp down the bile rising in his throat. For too long he’d furtively enjoyed Jace’s hugs, allowing them to sustain his feelings and fantasies. But he has to move on. If their conversation has taught him anything, it’s that Jace is clueless and Alec is an idiot for ever having any hope.

There is no place for him as more than a parabatai and brother to Jace, and there certainly isn’t any place for a defective Shadowhunter at the Institute.

Sticking to his guns, Alec vows then and there to live his life of solitude without any glimmer of hope for anything more. That means not acting like a heartbroken teenager when the person you’re in love with hugs you.

Alec takes one last breath in before patting Jace sturdily on the back, hoping to end the hug before he does something to embarrass himself.

Jace releases Alec with one final clap on the shoulder and sets off down the hall without so much as another word.

Alec stares after him, wondering if things would have just been easier if Jace hated him.

Alec could deal with that – there would be logic, _reason_ behind it. It would be expected – welcomed, even – if finding out the one person who was supposed to love you as a brother and battle partner, loved you far beyond those bounds.

But Jace’s obliviousness hurt him more than anything else, and Alec had to deal with it the way he had dealt with things for years. Alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you liked this by leaving comments and kudos~


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